Team Parenting: The Recipe for a Healthy, Happy Family
Perhaps now more than ever, parents are prepared to try and equalize the challenges and responsibilities involved with raising children. Unfortunately, if one partner refuses to take an active role or help out, hurt feelings and other difficulties are likely to arise.
Fortunately, many of the trials and tribulations of parenting can be dealt with effectively by communicating openly with your partner and having a shared vision and plan.
Of course, having two loving parents who are actively involved in their child’s development is always better for children. And putting some effort into building effective parenting teamwork can make things a lot easier on the parents as well.
Starting the Conversation
The time to start discussing the job of parenting is well in advance of your child’s birth, preferably before you even marry.
Obviously, many parenting issues cannot be anticipated, but many can. General styles and strategies can also be set out and agreed upon long before your child is born.
Find out what kind of values your partner wants to impart to your children and what kind of mistakes he or she is worried about making. You should also both explain what approach to parenting you plan to take and make sure you have compatible views.
While a family can remain healthy thanks to compromises, you can expect to run into more your fair share of conflicts if you and your partner have very different ideas about how your children should be raised.
Giving some thought to these big questions early on frees up both parents to tackle the little issues more effectively as they arise.
Sharing Responsibilities
In most modern families, both parents will be working before the children are born. Adding in the responsibilities of caring for a child makes three full-time jobs for two people. Is someone going to devote themselves to full-time parenting? If not, how will you (generally speaking) split up the time without shortchanging your child or spoiling your careers?
Your partner and you should have a serious discussion about how to balance these financial and temporal responsibilities and create a plan to decide which parent will do what each day.
For instance, mom may play with the child while dad makes dinner. Both can help clean up and still have plenty of family time left over for the evening. Make doctor and other appointments well in advance in order to decide who will accompany the child when both parents are not available. Share nighttime responsibilities, such as one of you giving your child a bath and having the other read bedtime stories. Even rides to school and help with homework should be discussed. There’s no shortage of responsibilities to be shared, so relax and take the time you need to come up with ideas that feel fair to you both.
Life is all about change and none of this will be set in stone. But having a framework in place that allows flexibility will allow you both to adapt to circumstances as they arise with the comfort and confidence of knowing you have a plan and don’t need to simply react out of panic.
Crime and Punishment
Children misbehave. It’s how they learn about what’s deemed acceptable behavior and what’s not.
While teaching your child responsibility and accountability is much more important, valuable, and helpful in encouraging their development into capable, self-confident, and well-adapted adults than “punishing” him or her for bad behavior, discipline is a broad topic that’s worth extensive discussion in advance.
Your partner and you should discuss all of your thoughts on this critical subject as well as what sorts of expectations you have for your child’s behavior. It’s also wise to discuss specific techniques that you both feel will be constructive, fair, and effective.y
A family can fall apart if one parent thinks spanking is the best form of discipline while the other is totally against it. Additionally, if your partner and you have different disciplinary styles and are unable to come to an agreement, your child will likely be confused as to what sort of consequences to expect from his or her actions, both at home and in the world at large.
Get this important subject out in the open, make a solid plan, and agree to teach your children about accountability and consequences fairly and uniformly.
Beyond Good and Evil
Another important subject your partner and you should be sure to discuss beforehand is moral and spiritual instruction. While this will become a larger concern only as your child gets older, there’s no reason to wait until then to discuss your ideas and intentions.
These days, it’s not at all uncommon for partners to come from vary different religious and spiritual backgrounds. Your child’s exposure to religion – how much, what kind, and how often – as well as what moral character you’d like to install goes far beyond what is acceptable behavior and what’s not. This subject can include how we view and treat other human beings, self-defense, political and social values, as well as what we value most about ourselves and our interpersonal relationships and it is a subject you should discuss often and settle as much as possible well in advance.
It’s especially important for your partner and you to find a solution or set of solutions you both find satisfying, as your child will be able to tell early on if one of his or her parents is disinterested or disengaged in his or her religious or moral upbringing.
Role playing
Each parent has a different role within the family, and it is up to your partner and you to define your respective roles. This doesn’t mean that only one parent should be responsible for discipline while another does all the cooking and cleaning! What we’re talking about is how your child integrates the idea of gender roles…
Your partner and you are role models for your children, and you should keep in mind that your children will imitate what they see you do. Children typically identify with the parent of the same sex and believe that this parent’s behavior is what’s expected of them.
Therefore, you shouldn’t expect your son to help out with chores if your husband does not set an example. Likewise, you shouldn’t expect your daughter to challenge gender roles and become a CEO if your wife does not transmit an empowering message. Think about the gender roles you do and don’t want to convey and lead by example.
Handling Conflict
Once you have children, remember that parenting is a team effort, even if your partner and you should become separated or divorced. As parents, your number one job is to create a safe, structured, and nurturing environment for your children.
While some disagreement over parenting techniques is only to be expected as time goes by, be sure your partner and you avoid conflict in front of your child.
If there are any conflicts with your partner regarding parenting, you should agree on a compromise before you actually implement a parenting strategy or technique, such as setting a new boundary or rule for your children.
Your children need to see your partner and you functioning as a team and presenting a united front as opposed to witnessing parental conflicts and receiving inconsistent parenting, which will only leave them confused and doubtful of there being any safety or consistency in the world around them.
Enjoy Your Family and Each Other
Parenting may be one of the most difficult jobs we ever have, but it can also be one of the most rewarding.
Remind yourselves that there will be more fun times than difficult ones thanks to the proactive steps you’re taking towards parenting as a team.
As you plan for your future as parents, try not to see parenting as an unbroken string of responsibilities to shoulder and hurdles to overcome. Remind yourselves that there will be more fun times than difficult ones thanks to the proactive steps you’re taking towards parenting as a team. And never forget what they say, “families that play together stay together.” It may sound trite, but it’s no less true.
Spending quality time together as a family (sharing meals, going for bike-rides or walks together, planning movie or game nights, etc.) is critical to your family’s health and happiness, as is spending quality time together with your partner so you’re not always assuming the role of a parent.
Parenting is never without its challenges but, like most things in life, it becomes easier when the responsibility is shared. Just remember to communicate openly and always put the needs of your child first. And, if you find your partner and you ever need help, don’t hesitate to seek out a professional counselor or therapist who specializes in providing parent or family counseling.
If your partner and you work together as a team and form a workable parenting plan early on, you will be better able to form loving, lasting relationships with your children and each other, turning your loving partnership into the core of a healthy, happy family and future together.
Fortunately, many of the trials and tribulations of parenting can be dealt with effectively by communicating openly with your partner and having a shared vision and plan.
Of course, having two loving parents who are actively involved in their child’s development is always better for children. And putting some effort into building effective parenting teamwork can make things a lot easier on the parents as well.
Starting the Conversation
The time to start discussing the job of parenting is well in advance of your child’s birth, preferably before you even marry.
Obviously, many parenting issues cannot be anticipated, but many can. General styles and strategies can also be set out and agreed upon long before your child is born.
Find out what kind of values your partner wants to impart to your children and what kind of mistakes he or she is worried about making. You should also both explain what approach to parenting you plan to take and make sure you have compatible views.
While a family can remain healthy thanks to compromises, you can expect to run into more your fair share of conflicts if you and your partner have very different ideas about how your children should be raised.
Giving some thought to these big questions early on frees up both parents to tackle the little issues more effectively as they arise.
Sharing Responsibilities
In most modern families, both parents will be working before the children are born. Adding in the responsibilities of caring for a child makes three full-time jobs for two people. Is someone going to devote themselves to full-time parenting? If not, how will you (generally speaking) split up the time without shortchanging your child or spoiling your careers?
Your partner and you should have a serious discussion about how to balance these financial and temporal responsibilities and create a plan to decide which parent will do what each day.
For instance, mom may play with the child while dad makes dinner. Both can help clean up and still have plenty of family time left over for the evening. Make doctor and other appointments well in advance in order to decide who will accompany the child when both parents are not available. Share nighttime responsibilities, such as one of you giving your child a bath and having the other read bedtime stories. Even rides to school and help with homework should be discussed. There’s no shortage of responsibilities to be shared, so relax and take the time you need to come up with ideas that feel fair to you both.
Life is all about change and none of this will be set in stone. But having a framework in place that allows flexibility will allow you both to adapt to circumstances as they arise with the comfort and confidence of knowing you have a plan and don’t need to simply react out of panic.
Crime and Punishment
Children misbehave. It’s how they learn about what’s deemed acceptable behavior and what’s not.
While teaching your child responsibility and accountability is much more important, valuable, and helpful in encouraging their development into capable, self-confident, and well-adapted adults than “punishing” him or her for bad behavior, discipline is a broad topic that’s worth extensive discussion in advance.
Your partner and you should discuss all of your thoughts on this critical subject as well as what sorts of expectations you have for your child’s behavior. It’s also wise to discuss specific techniques that you both feel will be constructive, fair, and effective.y
A family can fall apart if one parent thinks spanking is the best form of discipline while the other is totally against it. Additionally, if your partner and you have different disciplinary styles and are unable to come to an agreement, your child will likely be confused as to what sort of consequences to expect from his or her actions, both at home and in the world at large.
Get this important subject out in the open, make a solid plan, and agree to teach your children about accountability and consequences fairly and uniformly.
Beyond Good and Evil
Another important subject your partner and you should be sure to discuss beforehand is moral and spiritual instruction. While this will become a larger concern only as your child gets older, there’s no reason to wait until then to discuss your ideas and intentions.
These days, it’s not at all uncommon for partners to come from vary different religious and spiritual backgrounds. Your child’s exposure to religion – how much, what kind, and how often – as well as what moral character you’d like to install goes far beyond what is acceptable behavior and what’s not. This subject can include how we view and treat other human beings, self-defense, political and social values, as well as what we value most about ourselves and our interpersonal relationships and it is a subject you should discuss often and settle as much as possible well in advance.
It’s especially important for your partner and you to find a solution or set of solutions you both find satisfying, as your child will be able to tell early on if one of his or her parents is disinterested or disengaged in his or her religious or moral upbringing.
Role playing
Each parent has a different role within the family, and it is up to your partner and you to define your respective roles. This doesn’t mean that only one parent should be responsible for discipline while another does all the cooking and cleaning! What we’re talking about is how your child integrates the idea of gender roles…
Your partner and you are role models for your children, and you should keep in mind that your children will imitate what they see you do. Children typically identify with the parent of the same sex and believe that this parent’s behavior is what’s expected of them.
Therefore, you shouldn’t expect your son to help out with chores if your husband does not set an example. Likewise, you shouldn’t expect your daughter to challenge gender roles and become a CEO if your wife does not transmit an empowering message. Think about the gender roles you do and don’t want to convey and lead by example.
Handling Conflict
Once you have children, remember that parenting is a team effort, even if your partner and you should become separated or divorced. As parents, your number one job is to create a safe, structured, and nurturing environment for your children.
While some disagreement over parenting techniques is only to be expected as time goes by, be sure your partner and you avoid conflict in front of your child.
If there are any conflicts with your partner regarding parenting, you should agree on a compromise before you actually implement a parenting strategy or technique, such as setting a new boundary or rule for your children.
Your children need to see your partner and you functioning as a team and presenting a united front as opposed to witnessing parental conflicts and receiving inconsistent parenting, which will only leave them confused and doubtful of there being any safety or consistency in the world around them.
Enjoy Your Family and Each Other
Parenting may be one of the most difficult jobs we ever have, but it can also be one of the most rewarding.
Remind yourselves that there will be more fun times than difficult ones thanks to the proactive steps you’re taking towards parenting as a team.
As you plan for your future as parents, try not to see parenting as an unbroken string of responsibilities to shoulder and hurdles to overcome. Remind yourselves that there will be more fun times than difficult ones thanks to the proactive steps you’re taking towards parenting as a team. And never forget what they say, “families that play together stay together.” It may sound trite, but it’s no less true.
Spending quality time together as a family (sharing meals, going for bike-rides or walks together, planning movie or game nights, etc.) is critical to your family’s health and happiness, as is spending quality time together with your partner so you’re not always assuming the role of a parent.
Parenting is never without its challenges but, like most things in life, it becomes easier when the responsibility is shared. Just remember to communicate openly and always put the needs of your child first. And, if you find your partner and you ever need help, don’t hesitate to seek out a professional counselor or therapist who specializes in providing parent or family counseling.
If your partner and you work together as a team and form a workable parenting plan early on, you will be better able to form loving, lasting relationships with your children and each other, turning your loving partnership into the core of a healthy, happy family and future together.